All problems are interpersonal relationship problems. If you want to live a good life, learning to build high-quality relationships with others is key. Here’s what I’ve learned over the years about having great relationships.
When you’re conversing, there are common things that get in the way of genuine flow:
Not being fully present, but consumed by your own thoughts.
Not being aware of your own emotional state, let alone the other person’s.
Not truly listening with the intent to understand, but rather with the intent to respond.
These barriers impede high-quality human connection. Luckily, you can learn to overcome them.
It starts with becoming aware of yourself and the state you’re in during a conversation. Only if you’re attuned to your nervous system and inner state (e.g., feeling triggered) can you notice it and redirect your attention to the present—into a state where you can listen without judgment or thought-based reactions that lead to unhelpful emotions.
You cannot control how the other person reacts—whether they approve of you, hate you, love you, or don’t see you. But you can control the quality of presence you bring. This is the foundation upon which high-quality connection can grow.
Put simply, showing someone that you “feel them” is the key to creating a safe space in which richer information can be exchanged.
The phrase I like to remember is:
“I feel you feeling me.”
When both people in a conversation share that quality, real things can flow. Ideas can evolve. Conflicts can be avoided. This is how good interpersonal relationships feel.
As with anything in life, this is a matter of practice. It’s a rare skill, but one worth cultivating—because after all, we share the human experience with others, not on our own. Magic happens when we use this connection to collaborate, support, and simply be with each other.
One key to a happy life lies here.